How To Show You Care In Hard Conversations

5 steps to show that your criticism or “no” comes from a place of care and respect.

Key Takeaways

• Effective leaders understand the power of showing they value and care about their team.
• When you demonstrate you value your people, they are more likely to show they value their people, and so on, creating a positive domino effect in the workplace.
• Employees leave bosses who don’t appreciate, recognize, or empathize with them.
• You can care AND have hard conversations, by giving the benefit of doubt, acknowledging others, starting with intention, ending with appreciation, and checking in / following up.

Why You Need To Show You Care For Your Team

True leaders care!

What you see leaders do on Netflix, TV shows, political news is not caring and is not assertive.

According to an HBR article, the top factor for leaders to establish trust is positive relationships, which also means showing concern and care for others.

You don’t need to host fancy parties and give out gifts to make your team feel cared for. You don’t need even to give them a raise, bonus, or promotion. Do you know what your team members really want? To feel heard, appreciated, and valued. To feel like you have an interest in them.

Do you know what is the most powerful way of doing that? Have quality in every interaction you have with them. Be attentive to their needs, understand their perspective, believe in them, respect them, and be specific about how you value them.

We believe in being confident, candid, and caring in every interaction as a leader or employee. Caring enables leaders to be more effective when they are candid, when they want to motivate the team, and when they have hard conversations.

Don’t fake you care, mean it, even if you just demonstrate respect which is the absolute minimum you should be doing as a leader.

True leaders care.

Start the domino effect of workplace care

A senior manager in a global multinational working in the UK, I’ll call her Tracy, got emotional when she told me the happiest moment in her career. The CEO of her company, who was many levels above her, saw her and spontaneously called her into his office when he had 5 min to spare, and said:

“Tracy, I’m hearing wonderful things about you. Congratulations! You have a brilliant future ahead of you.”

This unexpected simple comment made Tracy feel extremely happy, acknowledged, and recognized. The CEO believed in her and she wanted to continue to live up to his conviction in her work.

In that moment she decided she was always going to show her employees appreciation because she realized how powerful it was. And she did. Her team will learn the values of caring and showing appreciation through her example. And this chain of leadership thoughtfulness will continue and humanize work experiences for generations to come.

Start a workplace care domino effect through your actions!

Start a workplace care domino effect.

Do you put enough effort to show that you care for your team?

I’ve witnessed employees leave their company in tears, after serving at a high level for several years, because they felt the leaders didn’t recognize their work.

Even when upper management had practices to publicly acknowledge the contribution of those leaving the company, if they failed to adequately explain the contributions of an employee or say their name incorrectly, the departing employee and the other team members would feel devalued.

Employees quit their managers, not their jobs. People want to be seen, validated, and appreciated.

Statistics every leader should know

Here’s some statistics you must know:

• Appreciation — 79% of people who quit their jobs do so because of lack of appreciation according to OC Tanner Research. Usually the appreciation gap is from their line manager. People want appreciation and recognition more than anything else.
• Care — 79% of employees believe their bosses don’t care about their happiness at work, according to One4All Rewards 2018 Happiness Survey.
• Recognition — 93% of employees say that when their employer recognizes their accomplishments, it increases their productivity according to business solver research.
• Empathy — 74% of employees said they would work longer hours for an empathetic employer and 83% would consider leaving their current organization for a similar role at a more empathetic organization according to business solver research.

It’s not too much to ask for. Employees work 40 hours or more on the leader’s vision and priorities. All they want is to feel valued and respected. Paying a team member a salary doesn’t justify neglecting their emotional well-being.

Not only that, happy employees are more engaged, productive, and loyal. Show commitment to your people. Help build their confidence.

How can you find out if your employees feel like you care for them? Examine your engagement scores, employee turnover, how motivated they are, and how open they are to constructive criticism.

Paying a team member a salary doesn’t justify neglecting their emotional well-being.

Show You Care In Hard Conversations

Showing you care doesn’t mean avoiding hard conversations. Instead, show you care during hard conversations, such as when you offer negative feedback, disagree, or say no to a request. When people feel like hard conversation comes from a place of respect, consideration, and desire to serve, they are more likely to listen and to change as a result.

Show you care in a hard conversation by doing these 5 things.

1. Give the benefit of doubt

Give your people the opportunity to explain their perspective or reason. Don’t every assume they are lazy, unprofessional, or uncapable. There could be hundreds of reasons that explain a behavior that you don’t like. Give them the chance to give you further insight. That way, you’ll know what to say and how to better support them.

2. Acknowledge their problems

Everyone has different skillsets. While something may be easy to you, it may be hard for others. Acknowledge your team’s problems even if you don’t understand it at first. Acknowledge by listening to what they have to say, rephrasing it, and showing that you hear the struggle. For example, “I hear you, you are feeling overwhelmed and don’t understand the importance of this work, is that right?”

3. Start with intention

Before the truly listen to your message, people need to know your intention. Explain your positive intention for them, for the customer, or for the team before giving negative feedback, before saying no to a request, and before sharing bad news. For example, you could say “I want you to be successful and respected by the rest of the team.”

4. End with appreciation

After a hard conversation, show you care about them once again. Appreciate their work so far, their willingness to collaborate, or their commitment to change behavior. Don’t take your employees or their efforts for granted even if you don’t like their attitude or behavior. Treat them with absolute respect and consideration, give them the opportunity to change, and then make the right decision even if it’s not popular.

5. Check in and follow up

Once you learn about someone’s struggles or after you ask them for something, make sure you check in and follow up regularly. The goal is not to evaluate and judge them, but to make sure they have the support they need to be successful along the way.

Recap

Caring is not show and tell. It’s most meaningful when it is tailed to each person.

When you demonstrate care for your team, you start the domino effect of workplace care because they will learn and model care with their teams in the future.

And remember, caring about your people doesn’t mean avoiding hard conversations. When you have tough conversations, show you care by doing this:

• Give the benefit of doubt
• Acknowledge their problems
• Start with intention
• End with appreciation
• Check in and follow up

“Bad leaders care about who is right. Good leaders care about what is right.” — Simon Sinek

Ivna Curi is the founder of Assertive Way. At www.assertiveway.com, we empower ambitious professionals to be confident and to thrive in difficult conversations. We do that by helping them learn, test, and practice hard conversations and assertiveness in a safe environment. Get a free course and guides on how to be assertive at work, speak up, and say no at www.assertiveway.com.